Woody (Shrek)
by woodybuzzmiles
Summary: After his savanna is filled with fairy tale creatures, a green ogre, who teams up with a mule deer with a single antler, agrees to rescue a princess for a villainous lord in order to get his land back.
1. Opening Credits (All Star)

In a dark space, a bright light shines down on a small book with a brown leather cover. The book magically opens, revealing a story with ornate calligraphy.

 _Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess...but she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison...but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love...and true love's first kiss._

A green hand rips out a page as the man chuckled. "Like that's ever gonna happen." He mused. In the middle of a murky swamp, toilet paper rustled from inside an outhouse. "What a load of-!" He flushes the toilet, and out came a green ogre with brown hair, a brown hat, and two horn-like ears named Woody. He yawned as he stretched. He tugs at the seat of his pants, then shakes a piece of paper off his shoe. Woody smiles as he gazes upon his house, which is a tree stump.

Meanwhile, Woody scoops up some mud in a bucket as green liquid pools into the word: _WOODY_. He hangs the bucket of mud on a branch and takes off his clothes, then he pulls a rope, showering mud on himself. Woody scrubs his body with a loofah, and he rinses and spits mud on the ground, forming "Tom Hanks."

Next, at an outdoor mirror, Woody takes a worm out from a toiletry pail, and squeezes it, shooting green gunk onto his toothbrush, a long stick. He brushes them, then shows his teeth at the mirror, which subsequently cracks, revealing "Ashton Kutcher" underneath. Woody leaves the mirror and jumps into a small pond. He grimaces as he farts, as stink fumes and large bubbles rise up to the water. Woody looked sheepish, but he didn't mind. A dead fish floats belly-up and Woody picks it up as pond plankton forms "Joan Cusack".

Afterward, Woody, who's back in his white shirt and brown vest, pushes thick mud out of a tree hollow. He finds a fat green slug, and picks it up, as maggots form "Rob Riggle."

Come late afternoon, Woody paints a sign on a piece of bark. As soon as his work was complete, Woody kisses it, but a little red got stuck to his lips. He sticks the sign in the ground. It reads "BEWARE: OGRE." Woody heads into his house to settle in for the day.

Elsewhere, far from Woody's swamp, a platoon of villagers rush out of a tavern. They come up with a plan to hunt down the ogre. They then grab torches and pitchforks. At Woody's house, he picks up a wooden spoon and eats human eyeballs from a bowl, which he savors.

At dusk, the men advance down a field toward a set of trees.

Back at his house, night came. Woody strikes a match in his dark house. He belches onto the match, casting flames to the fireplace. At the same time, the men light their own torches and move on.

At home, Woody eats a snack while reclining in a chair for the night. As the men continue to the swamp, they trample a Stay Out sign. This disturbance caught Woody's attention. He walks over to the window and looks out suspiciously through the window. He sees the men, and he walks out of his house. Those

As the men approach closer to the house, Woody tiptoes up behind them.

A villager parts some foliage, revealing Woody's tree house entrance.

"Think it's in there?" The lead villager asked.

"All right! Let's get it!" Another villager shouted, charging toward the house.

"Whoa, hold on!" The lead villager said, holding him back. "Do you know what that thing could do to you?"

"Yeah. It'll grind your bones for its bread." Another villager replied fearfully.

A laugh came behind them startling the group. They turn to see Woody the ogre. "Well, actually, that would be a giant." Woody stated.

Woody walked toward them as the group backed away. "Now, ogres-they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin."

"No!" A villager whimpered.

"They'll shave your liver." Woody continued. "Squeeze the jelly from your _eyes_! Actually, that's quite good on toast."

Another villager waved a torch back and forth in front of Woody's face. "Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!" he yelled.

Woody calmly licks his thumb and forefingers, and extinguishes the torch fire. The dark of night creeps in a bit. The villager nervously said, "Right." Woody bellowed a huge roar, and the villagers screamed. As he roars, Woody spits on them. The men cower as Woody's breath blows out the remaining torches, thus covering some of the villager's faces with his saliva. Woody calms down after his roar and wipes his mouth on his sleeve. He smirks waits patiently as the men continue screaming, then stop. They're now in the dark of night.

Woody leans forward and whispered in a scary manner, "This is the part...where you run away."

The scared men gasp, then they run toward the swamp exit and back to their village. Woody laughs triumphantly, then he shouted out, "AND STAY OUT!"

He finds something on the ground. Woody picks it up and read aloud, "WANTED: FAIRY TALE CREATURES."

Woody sighs, then tosses the poster aside as he walks toward his house, once again settling down after having such a long day.


	2. A Flying, Talking Mule Deer

The next day, a troll's head poked out of a metal bar window from a prison wagon. Groups of fairy tale creatures are being slaves of guards in a forest. They're being lined up, and stacked in prison carriages. Even the seven dwarfs are forced to march in line, handcuffed in chains.

"Give me that!" A guard said, snatching away a witch's broom. He snaps it in half over his leg, and scolded, "Your flying days are over!"

"That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch." The head guard replied, handing a man the silver. "Next!"

In line, a small tan mule deer with a single antler has a rope tied around his muzzle. His name is Elliot. He sees the three bears locked up in separate cages. Baby Bear cried. "This cage is too small!" he complained. Elliot is already starting to sense fear.

"Please, don't turn me in! I'll never be stubborn again!" Elliot begged persistently. "I can change! Please! Give me another chance!"

"Oh, shut up!" The old woman snapped. She was about to slap him in the face, but Elliot dodged the slap by turning his head.

"Next!" The head of the guards said. Gepetto sets a life size puppet on the table. This puppet is of a 7-year old boy with red hair, black-rimmed glasses, a white shirt, black shorts, white socks, and sneakers. His name is Sherman. "What have you got?"

"This little wooden puppet." Gepetto clarified.

"I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy!" Sherman interjected. His nose grows long. The head guard said, while touching the wooden boy's nose, "Five shillings for the possessed toy." He offers Gepetto a tip, and said, "Take it away."

"Father, please!" Sherman pleaded. "Don't let them do this!" He was then taken away by a guard. "Help me!"

"Next! What have you got?' The head guard asked.

"Well, I've got a talking deer!" The woman said, jerking Elliot forward. That hurt.

"Right. Well that's good for ten shillings." The head guard stated. "If you can prove it."

The woman takes the rope off of Elliot's snout and said tenderly, "Go ahead, little fella." Elliot has his long ears drooped, and he stared up to the head guard in silence.

"Well?" The head guard asked skeptically.

"Oh, uh, he's ju-he's just a little nervous." The woman added sheepishly. "He's really quite a chatterbox." She turned back to the petrified deer and was about to slap him again, but this time in frustration. "Talk, you boneheaded dolt—"Elliot looks fearful.

"That's it. I've heard enough. Guards?"

"No, no! He talks. He does." The woman said defensively. She then moves Elliot's mouth, while talking through the edge of her lips. "I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest dang thing you ever saw."

The head guard was not amused. "Get her outta my sight." His worker guards advance toward the woman and drag her away. "No, no! I swear!" As she gets dragged to a prison bus, she unknowingly kicks a cage out of Peter Pan's grip. A fairy is inside the cage. Elliot looked up and gasped, then the cage bounces off of his head. Fairy dust swarmed over his body, then he begins to lift up from the ground. "Hey! I can fly!" he shouted joyfully.

"He can fly!" Peter Pan said happily.

"He can fly!" cried the three pigs, Fifer, Fiddler, and Practical, who are carried by a burly man.

"He can _talk_! The head guard said angrily.

Elliot floats upward like a reindeer. "That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, deer! You may have seen a house fly, maybe even a super fly! But you bet you have never seen a donkey fly!" He gloated.

The pixie dust dissipates, and Elliot realizes he's no longer airborne. "Uh-oh."

He falls to the ground and lands with a thud.

"SEIZE HIM!" The head guard shouted, pointing to Elliot. The donkey got pinned down by guards, but struggled free. He then runs off into the forest with the other guards in pursuit. "After him! He's getting away!"

As Elliot kept on running, he turns a corner and ran as fast as he could. He then bumps into somebody. It was Woody, who's hanging a KEEP OUT sign on a tree. Elliot gasped. The angry green ogre glared down at the fearful Elliot.

The guards approach the ogre and the mule deer, who hides behind Woody. Woody scowls at the head guard and narrowed his eyes.

"You, there! Ogre!"

"Aye?" Woody asked disdainfully.

The head guard unfurls a scroll and read, "By the order of Lord O' Hare, I am authorized to place you both under arrest—" Woody walked up to the head guard. "—and transport you to a designated...resettlement...facility." The head guard became nervous.

"Oh, really? You and what army?' Woody asked, smiling cockily.

The head guard's servants were gone, and the shields and spears were all that's left. The head guard gasps, then runs off.

Woody shakes his head in annoyance, as Elliot sticks his tongue through his teeth, while laughing tauntingly.


	3. An Unlikely Couple

As Woody begins walking down the path, Elliot asked, "Can I say something to you?" The space donkey catches up to him and said, "Listen, you was really something back there! Incredible!"

Woody turns around and asked suspiciously, "Are you talking to..." Woody looks around for Elliot, but the one-horned deer is gone. He finished in confusion "...me?"

Woody gets startled upon seeing Elliot standing in front of him. "Yes. I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there. Man those guards, they thought they was all of that! Then you showed up and bam! They was tripping all over themselves like babes in the woods! See, that-that really made me feel good to see that."

"Oh, that's great, really!" Woody said sarcastically, trying to get away from the talkative deer.

"Man, it's good to be free!" Elliot said, while walking next to the ogre.

"Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?" Woody asked, a little agitated. He resumes the walk.

"But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself! Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you!" Elliot said, catching up to Woody. 'You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

Woody, now having been fed up, holds in his breath, then he roars at Elliot, but he wasn't affected. "Oh, wow, that was really scary! Man, if you don't mind be saying, if that don't work, your breath certainly would get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something 'cause your breath _STINKS_!"

As Woody continues down the pathway, Elliot hangs upside-down from a fallen tree. "Man, you almost burned the hair out of my nose, just like the time…" Woody cuts him off by clasping his green hand over his mouth, but he went on, "…then I ate some rotten berries. Man, I had some strong gasses eking out of my butt that day."

"Why are you following me?" Woody asked, irritated. Woody kept on walking.

"I'll tell you why." Elliot hops off of the tree and sang a little song, which makes Woody fume in irritation.

 ** _'Cause I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me  
My problems have all gone  
There's no one here to deride meeeee  
But you gotta have friends…._**

"STOP SINGING!" Woody yelled, putting the end to his little song. The ogre picked up Elliot by the antler and tail. "It's no wonder you don't have any friends!" He dropped Elliot right beside himself.

"Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest." Elliot replied.

"Listen, little mule deer, take a look at me! What am I?" Woody asked, spreading his arms.

Elliot studies Woody's green body for a hesitant minute, from his feet to his brown-haired head. "Uh….." Woody blinks, awaiting an answer." …..Really tall?"

"NO!" Woody exclaimed. "I'm an ogre! You know, 'Grab your torch and pitchforks!' Doesn't that bother you?"

Elliot shook his head. "Nope."

"Really?"

"Really, really."

"Oh."

"Man, I like you. What's your name?" Elliot asked.

"Uh….Woody." he introduced. He then resumed his walk.

"Woody?" Elliot asked, confused. He then brimmed with curiosity, "Well, you know what I like about you, Woody?" The ogre and mule deer go up a grassy bluff. "You got that kind of I-don't-care-what anybody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that, I respect that, Woody. You all right."

They arrive at the top of the bluff, overlooking Woody's swamp and house. Elliot frowned, "Whoo! Look at that! Who would want to live in a place like that?"

"That would be my home." Woody said. He then started to walk down the hill to the house.

"Ah, and it is lovely! Just beautiful! You know, you're quite a decorator. It's amazing with what you've done with such a modest budget." Elliot spotted a boulder beside him. 'I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder."

Elliot follows Woody to the tree residence. Elliot pauses, upon seeing the signs Woody had put in yesterday. 'I guess you don't entertain much, do you?"

"I like my privacy." Woody said from his shoulder.

"You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common.' Elliot followed the ogre up to the door, "Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face and you tried to give them a hint and they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know." Woody turns to face Elliot. Elliot ponders, then spoke, 'Can I stay with you?"

"Uh, what?" Woody asked, puzzled.

"Can I stay with you, please?" Elliot asked, putting on a pleading innocent face.

"Of course." Woody asked, in sarcastic politeness.

"Really."

"No." Woody denied sternly, turning to the door.

"Please, I don't want to go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak!" Elliot pleaded, pressing Woody's body up against the door. "Well, maybe you do. But that's why we got to stick together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please!"

"OK! OK! But one night only." Woody said. He opened the door.

"Oh, thank you!" Elliot said, bounding into the house.

"Ah! What are you…? No! No!" Woody protested.

Elliot got onto Woody's recliner. "Oh, this is gonna be great!" Elliot turned around in the chair and sat on it like a dog. "We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the morning….I'm making waffles."

Woody groaned in irritation, raising his hands as if he were to strangle Elliot. He asked, "Where do I sleep?"

"OUTSIDE!" Woody shouted, pointing out the door to the outside world.

Elliot said despondently, "Oh, well, I guess that's cool." He said, even more sadly, "Man, I don't know you and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best you know." He sniffled fakely, and he got off the recliner. "Here I go." Elliot slowly but sadly walks out of Woody's house. "G'night."

Woody, shaking in anger, slams the door closed. Elliot sighs, and Woody heard Elliot continue from outside, "I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a mule deer. I was born outside." Woody sighs and goes off to settle in. "Sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself outside."

 ** _I'm all alone  
There's no one here beside me_**


	4. Unwanted Visitors

Several hours passed, and nightfall came upon Woody's dim swamp. In his fireplace, liquid boils in an iron pot hanging in the fireplace. At the table, Woody adds an eyeball into a makeshift martini glass, then sips his cocktail. He looks down in silence at his dinner, consisting of disgusting foods that an ogre would find appetizing. He glances over at the front door, still thinking about Elliot. He sighs as he shakes his head. Woody smiled, and he pulled out a long stick of green earwax, cringing in a bit of pain, popping it out. Woody plops the earwax onto a candle holder and lights it with a match. Picking up a knife and fork, he slices a piece of slug, and begins to have his ogre-style dinner.

Outside, Elliot peeked in through the window at Woody, who has food and warmth. He walked back over to the door to take a little snooze. Inside, Woody continues to have his dinner, until he heard a noise. He sighs in agitation and broke the silence. "I thought I told you to stay outside!" Woody walked over to the door.

"I am outside!" Elliot shot back through the window. Woody stops short and sees a shadow flitting across the walls. Suspicious, Woody walked back over to his dinner table, to find three chipmunks. One chipmunk wears a red hoodie with an 'A' on it, the second one wears a plain blue hoodie with black glasses, and the third one is a short one with a green hoodie. Their names are Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.

"Well, gents, there's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?" Simon asked. He tripped over Woody's knife.

"It's not home, but we'll do just fine." Alvin said, unwittingly spilling a tall jar of eyeballs.

Theodore bounces on the slug Woody's been eating. He said, "What a lovely bed."

"Gotcha!" Woody shouted, grabbing Theodore. By the time Woody opened his hand, Theodore was already on his shoulder. "I found some cheese!" With that, Theodore bit at Woody's horn-like ear. "OWWWWWWWW!" howled Woody in pain. He tried grabbing at him, but Theodore recoiled, "Blah! Awful stuff!"

Theodore jumped down onto the table, but unwittingly catapults a spoon of food onto Woody's cheek. As Woody wiped it off, Alvin asked, "Is that you, Theodore?"

"How did you know?"

"Enough!" Woody commanded. He grabbed the chipmunk trio by their tails, and asked, "What are you doing in my house?" Something bumped Woody, making him drop the chipmunks and scattering his dinner contents from the floor. "Hey!" He turned to see the Seven Dwarfs that hauled the dead Snow White in a coffin. One of the men snickered and waved. "Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Dead broad off the table!" He chided, trying to push the coffin back to them.

"Where are we supposed to put her?" Doc asked. "The bed's taken."

"Huh?" Woody pulls back a curtain to his bedroom and let out a gasp. He sees a gray wolf in a pink nightgown in his bed, whose name is Classified. He stared at the ogre, and asked, "What?"

Woody carries Classified by the collar of his nightgown to the door. He snarled, "I live in a swamp! I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre!" He opened the door, and ranted, "What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!" Woody tosses Classified out the door, and the wolf screams. Woody becomes shocked and saw various fairy tale characters congregated around his swampland. "Oh, no. Ohhh, no. No! NOOOOO!" He shouted. Woody lunged at some witches, but he missed. He looked all around his front yard. "What?" He saw two girls living beside a large shoe house fighting. "Quit it! Don't push!" Woody saw the Pied Piper playing his flute and rats converge to him. He looked across and saw Baby Bear being comforted by Father Bear while sitting at a campfire with other characters.

" ** _WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP?!_** " Woody yelled angrily. Woody's shouts, _Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!_ echoed throughout the swampland. All of the fairy tale characters look horrified, that they gasp. Three fairies, Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather hastily fly into their tent. Two elves duck behind a tree, hugging each other in support.

"All right, get out of here!" Woody demanded. He began ushering the characters away. "All of you, move it, come on let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya!" Woody turned and saw fairies and elves rushing into the house. "No, no, no, no! Not there Not there!" The elf who went in last closed the door, and Woody rushed up to it. He tries to open it, but it's locked. Woody heaved a sigh, and turned to Elliot, who stands beside Sherman.

"Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them." Elliot shrugged.

"Oh, gosh. No one invited us." Sherman clarified.

"What?"

"Well, we were forced to come here?" Sherman quipped.

"By who?" Woody asked in confusion.

"Lord Aloysius." Fifer said. "He huffed und he puffed und he…signed an eviction notice."

Woody sighed, and he said, "All right. Who knows where this….Aloysius guy is?" The fairy tale creatures pondered, and Elliot spoke up, 'Oh, I do! I know where he is!"

"Does anyone else know where to find him?" Woody asked. Baby Bear held up his hand, but Father Bear forced it down, making him feel offended. Classified and a wizard point to each other. "Anyone at all?"

"Me! Me!" Elliot pleaded.

"Anyone?"

"Oh, oh, pick me! Oh, I know! Pick me!" Elliot begged.

Woody sighs in reluctance, and putting a hand on his head, conceded, "OK, fine." He turned his attention to the crowd, "Attention all….fairy tale things: do not get comfortable! Your welcome is officially worn out! In fact, I'm going to see this guy Aloysius right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!"

Silence filled through the crowd, and it erupted in exuberant cheers. Birds drop a clock of flowers onto Woody's shoulders, much to his annoyance. "Ohh! You!" Pointing to Elliot, he sneered, "You're coming with me!" Woody walked forward, sliding the cloak off his shoulders. "All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Woody and Elliot, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure! I love it! " _On the road again._ Sing it with me, Woody. I can't wait to get on the road again."

Woody, who's snatched a torch from an elf, asked indignantly, "What did I say about singing?"

"Can I whistle?"

"No."

"Can I hum it?"

"All right. Hum it." Woody conceded.

Elliot began to hum his annoying tune _On the Road Again_ throughout the rest of the night.


	5. Lord Aloysius and the Magic Mirror

In a dim kitchen, Jangles, a giant clown with blue hair sticking on the sides of his head, slammed down an empty glass. Out in a hallway, boots walked across the floor. Back inside the dim room, Jangles poured a glass of milk. Meanwhile, the man who was walking was a short plump man in red medieval clothing, with a matching red cape, green eyes and short raven black hair. His name is Aloysius O'Hare. Two guards part their spears for Aloysius to make his way in. Upon entering, he sees Jangles dipping someone's head into the milk glass.

"That's enough!" Aloysius halted. "He's ready to talk."

Jangles held up a small coughing anthropomorphic gingerbread boy with black hair, and a blue hat with a red puffball and rim. His name is Stan Marsh, whose legs are amputated from the knees. Stan coughs as milk streams down his body, and Jangles put him onto a cookie sheet. Aloysius approached the tall table, laughing evilly. He clears his throat, and the table was lowered to his height. Aloysius held up Stan's broken-off legs, "Run, run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!"

"You're a monster!" Stan relented.

"I'm not the monster here. You are." Aloysius said, tossing one cookie leg aside. He continued, crushing Stan's other leg, 'You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world." The man gets into the helpless gingerbread person's face. "Now tell me! Where are the others?!"

"Eat me!" Stan shot back. As a result, he spits in Aloysius's eye. He wiped it off, and he slowly approached the other side of the table, scowling, "I've tried to be fair to you creatures, now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll…." He was about to pluck off one of Stan's blue gumdrop buttons.

"No, not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!" Stan cried fearfully.

"All right then! Who's hiding them?" Aloysius shined an over head lamp on Stan, awaiting for him to talk.

"OK, I'll tell you. Do you know the Muffin Man?" Stan asked, sitting up.

"The Muffin Man?" Aloysius asked.

"The Muffin Man." Stan clarified.

"Yes, I know the muffin man, who-who lives on Drury Lane?" Aloysius asked, seeming curious.

"Well, she's married to the Muffin Man." Stan explained.

"The Muffin Man?" exclaimed Aloysius.

'THE MUFFIN MAN!" Stan wailed.

"She's married to the Muffin Man." Aloysius pondered. Just then, a door opened. The head guard rushes in, saying hastily, "My Lord! We found it!"

"Well, then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in!" Aloysius said, sounding eager. The head guard places something oval-shaped on a wall hook. He pulled off the cloth and Aloysius, Stan and his henchmen watch swirling gray smoke form inside the mirror. When the smoke receded, a white tragedy mask appears into view. It's the Magic Mirror.

Everyone seems mesmerized by the mirror, especially Stan. 'Ooooh." Stan crooned.

Aloysius reached toward it, and started, 'Magic mirror—"

"Don't tell him anything!" Stan yelled. Aloysius, having enough of Stan's behavior sweeps him into a trash can. "NOOOOOO!" Aloysius closes the lid, and he ignored Stan's cries. "Evening." Aloysius greeted. He walked to the mirror. "Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?"

"Well, technically, you're not a king." The Magic Mirror complied.

"Uh, Jangles?" Aloysius asked. Jangles holds up a small hand mirror, and the clown smashes it with his fist, making the Magic Mirror feel scared. "You were saying?"

"What I mean is, you're not a king yet. B-but you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

"Go on."

The mirror chuckled nervously, then spoke like a game show host, "So just sit back and relax m'lord. Because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes! And heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere they are!" The mirror shows three shadowy pictures of three women.

"Bachelorette number 1 is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella! Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy, although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is! Come on, give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not least, bachelorette number 3 is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Jessie! So will it be bachelorette number 1, bachelorette number 2, or bachelorette number 3?"

These three princesses were good choices. All of Aloysius's henchmen start individually giving out numbers, but Aloysius couldn't choose one easily. The guards shouted out suggestions, Jangles said, "Three! Pick number three my lord!" Aloysius finally came to a choice. "Ok, ok," he said, "Uh…NUMBER THREE!"

"Lord Aloysius O'Hare, you've chosen….Princess Jessie." Mirror presented.

 _ **If you like pina coladas**_  
 _ **And getting caught in the rain**_  
 _ **If you're not into yoga**_

Everyone in the room cheered for their lord choosing Fiona. Aloysius couldn't be more ecstatic to select a lovely princess to marry. "Princess Jessie," he said, "She's perfect. All I have to do is find someone who can go…"

"But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night…" said Mirror.

"I'll do it," said Aloysius

"Yes, but after sunset…"

"SILENCE," chided the short man, "I will make this Princess Jessie my queen, and DuLoc will finally have…THE PERFECT KING! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament." Aloysius smirked.


	6. Welcome to DuLoc

Many miles away from Woody's swamp, morning came. Woody and Elliot had just emerged from a cornfield and into a parking lot, with a sign reading: _YOU ARE PARKED IN LANCELOT._

"But that's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it." Elliot replied.

"So, that must be Lord Aloysius's castle." Woody complied. He gazed up at the 40-story castle touching the blue sky.

"Uh-huh. That's the place." Elliot said.

"Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?" Woody mused. He chuckled, and he groaned quietly. The brown-hat clad ogre then he began to walk to the gate.

"Hey, wait! Wait up, Woody!" Elliot said frantically.

Woody and Elliot approach the entrance with an organized line of velvet ropes and a man wearing a wooden head based on Aloysius's likeness. "Hurry, darling. We're late hurry." Another man said to a woman.

"Hey, you!" Woody called, holding his hand out. The man in the giant head screams upon seeing the ogre. He then begins to run through the velvet ropes to get away from him. "Wait a second! Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just…I-I just…." Woody stammered. The man was so busy ignoring Woody, that he was whimpering. Woody sighs, then he marches straight through the ropes with gather around his waist. The giant head man bumps into the stone entranceway and falls on his back. Confused, Woody pauses beside the man, shakes his head, then he pushes his way through a turnstile. Elliot, however, shoves the turnstile, then spins forward onto the cobblestone ground. He looks at Woody sheepishly, but Woody sighs and rolled his eyes.

As soon as they're inside, DuLoc is full of silence. The only thing breaking the silence is a faint instrumental muzak. Woody complied, "It's quiet. Too quiet." A sign beside a window filled with Farquaad merchandise creaked faintly. "Where is everybody?"

Elliot noticed something astonishing. "Hey, look at this!" Elliot rushed over to a box marked 'Information', with Woody catching up to the mule deer. Elliot pulled at the lever, and the box sprung to life. They hear winding on the box, making the odd pair nervous. The clicking quickens, and the doors open revealing small mechanical puppet toys that sing in sway, honoring the glory of DuLoc.

 ** _Welcome to Duloc, such a perfect town  
Here we have some rules, let us lay them down  
Don't make waves, stay in line  
And we'll get along fine  
DuLoc is a perfect place  
Please keep off the grass  
Shine your shoes, wipe your face  
DuLoc is...DuLoc is….  
DuLoc is a perfect….PLACE!_**

As the song was over, the doors close, then a camera bulb flashes. A sepia-tinted photo rolls out of a photo slot. It showed Woody with a slightly disturbed face, and Elliot with a surprised face. "Wow!" Elliot crooned. "Let's do that again!"

Elliot rushed over to the lever, but Woody pulled him back by his tail. "No, no! No, no, no! No." he demanded. The fanfare of a trumpet broke out into the distance. They hear a voice, "Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today, one of you shall prove himself…"

As Woody and Elliot walk down a tunnel into an inner arena, Elliot hums the jaunty music from the DuLoc music box, which annoys Woody. "All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom."

"Sorry about that."

The odd pair reached a large battlefield with several beer barrels, a wrestling arena, and stands filled with cheering DuLoc citizens. Aloysius O'Hare sat in his throne spot delivering a speech to a gathered group of knights. "That champion shall have the honor, no, no, the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon."

Woody and Elliot approached the knights as Aloysius continued his speech. "If, for any reason, the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place, and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice…I am willing to make."

The citizens cheer as a man with long brown hair held up a cue card for applause.

"LET THE TOURNAMENT BEGIN!" Aloysius commenced.

Woody walked toward the short man's balcony, with Elliot in tow. Upon seeing the ogre, the knights recoil from him. Aloysius asked, "What is that?"

The crowd gasps with disgusted looks.

"Urgh! It's hideous!" Aloysius shuddered.

"Oh, that's not very nice." Woody demanded. He looked back at Elliot, then back at Aloysius. "It's just a mule deer.

"Indeed." Aloysius came up with an idea. "Knights! New plan: the one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!"

The knights point their spears at Woody, who backs away, pleading, "Whoa! Hey, now come on! Hang on, now." He backs into a table with iron mugs, and two giant barrels of root beer. Woody picks up a mug, and asked, 'Can't we just settle this over a pint?"

The knights step closer to Woody, who challenged, "No? All right then." Woody chugs the root beer, and wipes his mouth. "Ahhh." He breathed from his drink. Stepping to a faucet of the barrel, he yelled, "Come on!"

Slamming the iron down, the faucet broke off. Beer spews out, knocking down some of the knights. Woody ran out of the way as the hole got more bigger, pouring out even more root beer. Woody grabbed a spear and slid across the muddy ground like a hockey player. He tripped one knight from his feet. As for Elliot, he stood on one beer barrel. It rolls off the stand, flattening two knights into the mud, much to Aloysius's disbelief. Those two just started kicking butt. As two knights chase Woody, Woody hops into a square horse pen resembling a wrestling ring, with the two horses running off. Woody leans against two ropes and launched himself forward, clotheslining the knights. The crowd boos, but Woody didn't mind. He kicks a third knight in the face with both feet. Smiling, Elliot leans on the ropes and watches Woody's guts, spunk, and moxie.

Back with Woody, he leaps off the ropes and lands on a knight, supporting his weight. The crowd looks anticipated. Woody picks up another knight, tossing away a spear from him. "Hey, Woody! Tag me! Tag me!" Woody carries the knight over to Elliot, and his head-butts him, making the one-horned mule deer dizzy. The spectators cheered, and the ogre appreciated the praise he was getting from the crowd. "AH! HAHAHAHA! YEAH!" he cheered.

Another knight tiptoes behind him, but Woody turns and jumps on his head, knocking him down. "The chair! Give him the chair!" a woman shouted out. In the pen, Woody hits a knight with a folding chair. Aloysius held his head in one hand. As the crowd cheered, Woody continued to kick and bodyslam the knights. Woody twirled the last knight over his head, while bellowing like Tarzan. He threw his against a post, and Elliot kicks him in the head, knocking him cold.

As soon as every knight is defeated, Woody jumped out of the pen, with Elliot following him. "Ah-ha-ha-ha! Oh, yeah!" Woody flexes his muscles, indicating that he and Elliot both won, making the crowd cheer. "Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhhh!" Aloysius rubbed his chin, looking convinced. "Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday! Try the veal!"

As Woody kept on celebrating, Aloysius motioned to guards. The guards from separate balconies aim crossbows at Woody and Elliot. A guard whispered in Aloysius' ear, "Shall I give the order sir?"

"No." Aloysius denied. "I have a better idea." He then called out to the crowd, "People of DuLoc, I give you….our champion!"

"What?" Woody exclaimed. He couldn't believe the crowd was actually cheering for….him!

"Congratulations, ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest." Aloysius said.

"Quest? I'm already on a quest: a quest to get my swamp back!" Woody insisted.

"Your swamp?" Aloysius asked.

"Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!" Woody snapped.

"Indeed. All right ogre. I'll make you a deal." Aloysius promised. "Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back."

"Exactly the way it was?"

"Down to the last slime-covered toadstool."

"And the squatters?"

"As good as gone."

Woody looked at the guards, still aiming their crossbows. Woody questioned, "What kind of quest?"


	7. Ogres are Like Onions

After being told what to do by Aloysius, Woody and Elliot set out to find Jessie. "OK, let me get this straight; we're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Aloysius will give you back your swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place, is that about right," asked Elliot as they walked through a sunflower field, far from DuLoc.

"You know what? Maybe there's a good reason mule deers shouldn't talk," said Woody as he picked some onions.

"I don't get it Woody," said Elliot, "why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, you know, the whole ogre trip."

"Oh, I know what," said Woody, "Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?"

"Uh…no, not really, no," denied Elliot

Walking through a field of sunflowers, Woody complied, "For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think."

"Example?" Elliot questioned.

"Example? OK, um…ogres are like onions," said Woody as he showed Elliot his onion.

Elliot sniffed the onion and replied, "They stink?"

"Yes…no," denied Woody hastily.

"They make you cry," asked Elliot.

"No."

"Oh, when you leave them out in the sun all day, they turn brown and start sprouting little white hairs," added Elliot.

"No," said Woody as he peeled parts of the onions off, "Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers…you get it? We both have layers."

Woody throws the onion down, then marches off. "Oh you both have layers. Oh." Elliot sniffs the onion. "You know, not everybody likes onions," he said before having idea and rushing up to Woody, "CAKE! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers."

"I don't care…what everyone likes," snapped Woody, frustrated, "Ogres…are not…like cakes."

As Woody resumed his walk, Elliot spoke up, "You know what everybody else likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, 'Hey, let's get some parfait,' they say, 'No, I don't like no parfait?' Parfaits are delicious."

"NO!" yelled an agitated Woody, "YOU DENSE, IRRITATING, MINIATURE BEAST OF BURDEN! OGRES ARE LIKE ONIONS! END OF STORY! BYE BYE! See ya later!"

Woody walked off toward the end of the field. Elliot was silent, then spoke up again.

"Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole dang planet," said Elliot, catching up to Woody.

"You know, I think I preferred your humming," said Woody.

"Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word 'parfait' makes me start slobbering."

They cross a grassy field toward a windmill. At sunset, they walk past a tree, as a song began playing.

 ** _Man: I'm on my way from misery to happiness today_**

At night, Woody and Elliot pass giant rocks.

 ** _Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh_**

At night, Woody and Elliot sleep underneath the full moon, next to a campfire.

 ** _I'm on my way from misery to happiness today  
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh_**

The next morning, Woody yelps as a bit of flame caught on his shoe. He tries putting it out with his hand. Elliot holds up his hind leg and urinates on the fire, putting out the blaze.

 ** _And everything that you receive up yonder  
Is what you give to me the day I wander  
I'm on my way _**

Woody and Elliot arrive at a volcano, which contains the dragon's keep. Meanwhile, the two go up the volcano's slope.

 ** _I'm on my way  
I'm on my way_**


	8. Crossing the Bridge

"Ooh, Woody! Did you do that?" asked a disgusted Elliot as he caught a scent, "Man, you gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything."

"Believe me Donkey if it was me…you'd be dead." said Woody.

Woody sniffed in the air and recognized the smell. "It's brimstone. We must be getting close."

"Yeah right, brimstone," said Elliot as they started climbing up the side of the volcano, "Don't be talkin' about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone, it didn't come off no stone neither."

Woody and Elliot pull themselves up the edge of the volcano and reached the top of the side and saw what awaited them. There was a huge chasm of lava surrounding a dark castle. There was a rope bridge allowing access to the castle. The castle had a dark, stone-like exterior and it's tallest tower reached high into the sky.

"Sure it's big enough, but look at the location," Woody complied. Laughing in amusement, he jumped over the edge and he went to go down a slope.

"Uh Woody…remember when you said that…that ogres have layers," asked Elliot anxiously.

"Oh, aye." Woody clarified.

"Well I have a bit of a confession to make um..." said Elliot as he looked at a nearby skeleton of a creature, "Mule deers don't have layers. We…we wear our fear right out there on our sleeves."

"Wait a second, mule deers don't have sleeves," said Woody.

"You know what I mean." Elliot interjected.

"Oh you can't tell me you're afraid of heights," Woody said.

"No. I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava," said Elliot as he looked down at the red bubbling hot lava.

"Come on Elliot, I'm right here beside you," said Woody, "For…emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time."

"Really?"

"Really, really," said Woody.

"OK, that makes me feel so much better."

"Just keep moving, and don't look down," Woody complied as he and Elliot started crossing the bridge. Elliot tried his best not to look down. "OK, don't look down, don't look down, keep on moving, don't look down," he muttered to himself, "Don't look down, keep on moving, and don't look down."

Unfortunately, Elliot stepped on a rotten board of the bridge and it broke off. This startled Elliot and he ended up looking down at the menacing lava. "Woody…I'm looking down!" he said before panicking, "AAAH! OH GOD, I CAN'T DO THIS, JUST LET ME OFF NOW PLEASE!"

"But you're already halfway!" Woody said in dismay.

"Yeah, but I know THAT half is safer," said Elliot, pointing back to the side they came.

"Ok, fine, I don't have time for this," said Woody, "you go back."

"Woody, no wait," cried Elliot.

"Just-Elliot," complained Woody as he tried moving forward, "Let's have a dance then, shall we?"

In his struggle to get past Elliot, Woody swayed the bridge. "AAAH! DON'T DO THAT!" cried Elliot.

Seeing this action move Elliot towards the other side of the chasm, Woody apologized, "Oh I'm sorry. Do what? Oh…this?" Woody swayed the bridge again.

"Yes, that!"

"Yes? Yes…do it. OK."

With that, Woody started swaying the bridge back and forth. "AHH! NO, WOODY!" cried Elliot as he backed away from Woody. "NO, STOP IT," Elliot cried.

"You said 'do it!" I'm doing it." said Woody as he kept swaying.

"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die! Woody, I'm gonna die!" cried Woody frantically as he backed up.

But as he panicked, he moved to the other side of the chasm. Elliot opened their eyes and saw that they were on solid ground near the castle. "Oh."

Woody appeared and patted Elliot on the head. "That'll do Elliot…that'll do."

"Cool." Elliot followed Woody into the castle. "So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?" asked Elliot.

"Inside, waiting for us to rescue her," said Woody, with a chuckle.

"I was talking about the dragon, Woody." Elliot complied.


	9. Facing Cynder

Inside the castle, it was dark, with water dripping faintly and wind howling. This was not a pleasant place for exploring. It looked like it was deserted and hadn't been explored in years. There was no sign of life anywhere in the castle. The group looked around them and saw skeletons of knights who tried rescuing the princess. Also the castle was so old, parts of it start crumbling. But Elliot was still nervous. "You afraid?" he whispered.

"No, but-Shh!" Woody shushed, not wanting the dragon to attract attention.

"Oh good, me neither," whispered Elliot, before seeing a skeleton and frantically rushing back to Woody. "Because there's nothing to wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire, eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean? I sure as heck ain't no coward, I know that."

Elliot suddenly crashed into a suit of armor from a dead knight's body. Elliot gasped upon seeing what he bumped into. Woody turned to him and said, "Elliot…two things, OK? _Shut. Up_. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs." Woody said he took the armor and put it on.

"Stairs," asked Elliot, "I thought we was lookin' for the princess."

"The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower," Woody complied.

"What makes you think she'll be there," asked Elliot.

"I read it in a book once." Woody responded as he put on his helmet and headed deeper into the castle.

"Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs," said Elliot as he and his group headed in a different direction, "Oh, I'll find those stairs, I'll whip their butt too. That's right. Those stairs don't know which way they're going."

Elliot entered another room. This room was empty and the group looked around them, trying to find the stairs, much less the tower. "I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me, I'm the stair master. I've master the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right here. And now, I'd step all over it."

A giant eyeball opened beside the oblivious Elliot. In another part of the castle, he looks up at a distant tower where Princess Jessie was held captive.

"Well…at least we know where the princess is." Said Woody, "But where's the…"

"DRAGON!" Elliot screamed loudly upon noticing the dragon near them.

A huge blast of fire erupted from where Elliot stood as Elliot fled back to Woody. A huge winged dragon with purple scales, huge wings, and a fucshia chest named Cynder emerged from a wall. It stomped its way past the skeletons lying on the walls. Woody turned to see Elliot being pursued by the dragon breathed in and unleashed a powerful blast of fire at the invaders. "Elliot, LOOK OUT!" shouted Woody as he and the others moved Elliot out of the way. The dragon turned its attention to Elliot and blew fire again. The helpless animal jumped to the ground, bracing for impact, though the fire only burned the tip of Elliot's tail. The dragon approached them, but as it seemed it was going to snatch them up in its jaws, something tugged on the tail. It was Woody. "Gotcha!"

The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks its tail and Woody, who screams, goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Princess Jessie wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor. Jessie has red hair in a ponytail, a red hat, a green princess dress, and green slippers.

Back with Cynder, she breathed out fire in a different part of the keep, only for Elliot to rush off to escape the dragon but he ends up on a bridge, until the dragon uses his tail to slam down parts of the bridge, destroying most of it to prevent him from escaping. The small mule deer looked completely stranded and freaked out.

The dragon growled loudly in response. "I, I mean, white sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all the time with your food, but you must bleach or something, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Hey, do I detect a hint of minty precious?"

The dragon smiled at Elliot. It stopped its attack and stared at him. "Eh, you know what else, you know what else, you're…"

Cynder leans down, and turns out that the dragon was a female. "A girl dragon," clarified Elliot. "Oh, sure, I mean, of _course_ you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just reeking of feminine beauty."

Cynder fluttered her eyes at Elliot, appreciating the nice comments. "What's the matter, you got something in your eye," asked Elliot. The dragon blew a gentle bit of smoke at Elliot. This smoke was formed in the shape of a heart. "Yeah, we'd love to stay but, ya know, I'm, uh…"—he coughed—"I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd would work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff." Elliot said nervously before turning and shouting out, "Woody!"

The dragon grabbed Elliot by the tail and headed towards another part of the castle. But her bite force wasn't lethal. Instead, she held onto the mule deer as he screamed for help. "NO! WOODY! WOODY! WOODY!"


	10. Rescuing Princess Jessie

Back with Woody in the tower, Woody pulled himself up dizzily. Jessie sees Woody, but Woody didn't notice her watching him. The princess lies back down, smooths her green dress, grabs a bouquet of flowers, and went to sleep as if she were like Snow White. Background vocalists began to sing in the air as Woody turned to see the princess. The ogre walked over to her, and leaned over Jessie, who slightly puckered her lips. Woody shook her, and said, 'Wake up!"

"What?" Jessie asked, annoyed.

"Are you Princess Jessie?" Woody asked.

"I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me."

"Oh, that's nice.' Woody asked, feigning flattery behavior, but turned serious. "Now let's go!"

"But wait! Sir Knight!" Jessie halted. Woody turned to look at her, and she continued, "This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful romantic moment?"

"Yeah, sorry lady," said Shrek as he took Fiona's hand and headed to the door, "there's no time."

"Hey, wait, what are you doing?" asked Fiona, "You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed."

"You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?" Woody asked, the helmet still on his head.

"Mmm-hmm."

Woody thrust his elbow on the door, breaking it down. While leading Jessie down the stairs, he grabbed a nearby torch. Jessie protested, "But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick. Or something!" Jessie took her hand from Woody's hand.

"I don't think so." Woody denied.

"Well, can I at least…know the name of my champion?' Jessie asked, trying to keep her cool.

"Um, Woody." Woody introduced.

"Sir Woody." Jessie cleared her throat, and took a handkerchief from her dress. She holds it from one tip, and said, "I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude."

Woody took the handkerchief and said to Jessie, "Thanks!" He wiped some ash from his face, and gave it back to Jessie. Jessie cringed a bit. Suddenly, they hear Cynder roaring in the distance.

"You didn't slay the dragon?!" Jessie exclaimed incredulously.

"It's on my to-do list!" Woody said hastily. He took her hand again, "Now, come on!" They both began to sprint away.

"But this isn't right!" Jessie protested. "You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying! That's what all the other knights did!"

"Yeah, right before they burst into flame." Woody clarified, as they pass a skeleton of a knight.

"That's not the point!" Jessie interjected. She yanks her hand away. Woody went over to a set of wooden doors as Jessie said, "Wait! Where are you going! The exit's over there!"

"Well, I have to save my ass." Woody said.

"What kind of knight are you?" asked Jessie, suspicious.

"One of a kind." Woody replied.


	11. Escaping Cynder

Woody quietly entered another room and walked across a balcony. On a lower level, he saw several gold coins and other treasures and the dragon sitting on top of them. She had Elliot wrapped in her tail. There was a staircase leading up to the balcony, but it was blocked by a giant rock that the dragon put there. "Slow down, slow down, baby please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old fashioned. I don't wanna rush into a…a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment, or this sort of…uh…magnitude…that's the word I'm looking for. Magnitude," said Donkey as the dragon scratched his chin, "hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what're you doin'?"

Cynder blew gentle fire on a chandelier. Woody grabbed a chain attached to the chandelier, as Elliot continued trying to sweet-talk the dragon. "OK, OK, OK, look, let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends, or maybe even as penpals even, 'cause I'm on the road a lot and I just love receiving cards…hey you know, I'd really love to stay but…hey, hey, hey don't do that, that's my tail. That's my personal tail, what, you gonna tear it off? I don't give permission to…wait, what're you doin' with that," asked Elliot as he realized that the dragon was going to kiss him.

Woody uses his chain and to swing around the room, unnoticed by the dragon. Noticing the chandelier above the dragon, the ogre pulled on the chain, and they started falling. "Hey now, no way, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, OH!"

Just as the dragon was going to smooch Elliot, Shrek bumped him out of her grasp. Elliot landed on the treasures. But as for Woody, he was on the dragon's tail and the dragon inadvertently kissed his butt. Cynder turned angry, and she roars at Woody, but he lets go of the chandelier chain, and the chandelier fell around her neck. Cynder lets out another roar of anger as Woody jumps off the dragon and he and Elliot began running away. Cynder sees the ogre and mule deer running along the balcony. Cynder blows fire at them, but they've already dodged it. Woody grabs Jessie and continues to run, with Elliot in his other arm.

"Hi, Princess!" Elliot greeted.

"It talks!"

"Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's trick!" Woody insisted. The group suddenly stopped upon seeing a descending slide. Seeing the dragon catch up to them, they all rode down the slide to get away. This was a smooth slide for everyone, until a crack in the slide hit Woody square in the groin. After getting off, Woody groaned in pain before resuming his run with the others. But the dragon was right behind them. She chased after them in an angry rage. As the dragon ran, the chain from her chandelier kept extending. The chase went on, and the chains were starting to overlap one another as Shrek and the others ran from side to side around the castle. Woody's group eventually came face to face with the dragon, but managed to dodge her fire breath in time. After getting close to the exit, Woody said to Elliot and Jessie, "OK, you too, head for the exit."

Elliot and Jessie obediently run toward the exit as Woody picks up a sword. "I'll take care of the dragon!" Woody sticks the sword between several winding chain links. Woody ran to a hallway near the exit, and he yelled in slow motion, " ** _RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!_** "

As soon as Woody caught up with his group, they all made a mad dash for the bridge. But the dragon was right behind them. Cynder breathes fire at them. As they run across the bridge, the fire caught on the bridge. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then roars in frustration. Cynder gives out a depressed whimper as she watches Elliot walk away.


	12. Woody Removes His Helmet

Having escaped the dragon's keep, Jessie slid down the volcano hill. Amazed that she's finally been freed of the dragon's castle, she rejoiced, "You did it. You rescued me. You're amazing, you're…you're wonderful, you're…" she celebrated before seeing Elliot falling down, along with Woody, who also slid down the hill, bumping Elliot. Jessie finished, "….a little unorthodox I'll admit." Jessie approached the ogre in the armor, "But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt."

Elliot cleared his throat, expecting appreciation as well. "And what would a brave knight be without his noble steed?"

"I hope you heard that, she called me a noble steed," Elliot said blushingly, "She thinks I'm a steed." Jessie chuckled, and she approached Woody, "The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good sir knight."

"Uh…no," Woody said, who didn't want to remove his helmet.

"Why not?"

"I…I have helmet hair." Woody said, still trying not to expose his identity.

"Please." Jessie protested, "I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer."

"No, no you wouldn't-st."

"But how will you kiss me?"

"What?" Woody asked. He backed into a rock, interjecting, "That wasn't in the job description."

"Maybe it's a perk," Elliot piped.

"No." Jessie explained, "It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess, locked in a tower, and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share…true love's first kiss."

"With Woody?" asked Elliot, "You think…wait, wait. You think that Woody is your true love?"

"Well…yes," said Jessie.

Woody and Elliot turn and looked at each other. After a moment of silence, they burst into laughter. "You think Woody is your true love," laughed Elliot.

"What is so funny?" asked Jessie, offended by their laughter.

Woody said, "Let's just say I'm not your type, OK?"

"Of course you are. You're my rescuer," Jessie said. She continued, "Now…now remove your helmet."

"I really don't think this is a good idea," said Woody.

"Just take off the helmet," Jessie demanded.

"I'm not going to," said Woody.

"Take it off," Jessie shouted.

"No!"

"NOW!" Jessie shouted.

"OK! Easy! As you command, Your Highness," Woody said, trying to ease Jessie's temper. He took his hands and finally removed the helmet.

Upon seeing Woody take off the helmet, Jessie's interest in him turned into shock. She was looking at the face of an ogre. Woody's face is covered in soot from all the crazy action. Jessie stared at Shrek, at a complete loss for words. Woody gestured for her to say something. "You're…an ogre," said Fiona.

"Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming," Woody suggested facetiously.

"Well, yes, actually," Jessie chuckled, before complaining, "Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre."

"Princess, I was sent here to rescue you by Lord Aloysius O'Hare, OK? He's the one who wants to marry you."

"Then why didn't he come and rescue me," Jessie asked, still unhappy with the rescue from the ogre

"Good question." Woody chimed, as he took off more of his armor. "You should ask him that when we get there."

Jessie said, while Woody mouthed her complaints, "But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his…and his pet."

"Well so much for noble steed." Elliot said, offended by Jessie's statement.

"Look, princess, you're not making my job any easier." Woody said.

"Well I'm sorry, but that's not my problem," said Jessie, folding her arms, "You can tell Lord Aloysius O'Hare that if he wants to rescue me, properly, I'll be waiting for him right here."

"Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, alright? I'm a delivery boy." Woody threatened, his body looming over Jessie.

"You wouldn't dare," Jessie said sternly.

Not wanting to carry on the argument any further, Woody grabbed Jessie and carried her over his shoulder. "PUT ME DOWN!" complained Fiona.

"You comin', Elliot?" Woody asked.

"Oh yeah, I'm right behind ya," Elliot said as he followed Woody.

"Put me down or you will suffer the consequences!" Jessie shouted, "This is not dignified! Put me down!


	13. Making Camp

Later in the day, the group managed to get several miles away from the mountain and was back in the forest. By now, Jessie had calmed down and watched as Woody walked past the scenery. Elliot spoke up, breaking the silence. "OK, so here's another question: say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her all the way. How do you let her down easy so her feelings aren't hurt but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? How do you do that?"

"Just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your…" replied Jessie before getting pulled by Shrek, "Hey!" She sighed and continued, "The sooner we get to DuLoc the better."

"Oh yeah, you're gonna love it there princess," said Elliot, "It's beautiful."

"And what about my groom-to-be? Lord Aloysius? What's he like?" Jessie asked, curious to know.

"Well, let me put it this way princess," Woody said as he dropped Jessie to the ground, "Men of Aloysius's stature are in…'short' supply."

Woody laughed at his joke as he washed the dust and grime off his face with water from a nearby stream. Elliot found this joke funny. "I don't know, Woody," giggled Elliot, "There are those who think 'little' of him."

Woody and the one-horned mule deer laugh hysterically at their puns.

"Stop it," said an irritated Jessie, "Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous because you can never live up to a great ruler like Lord Aloysius."

"Yeah, well maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the 'measuring' when you see him tomorrow." Woody said, making air quotations for emphasis.

"Tomorrow," Jessie asked, who suddenly became worried and looked at the setting sun, "it'll take that long? Shouldn't we start to make camp?"

"No," Woody denied, "That'll take longer. We can keep going."

"But…there's robbers in the woods," Jessie said, more worried.

"Whoa, time out Shrek," Elliot halted as he saw potential with Jessie's request, "Camping's definitely starting to sound good."

"Hey, come on," said Woody, who didn't want to stop, "I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest."

But before he could keep going, Jessie stopped him in his tracks. Jessie roared, "I need find somewhere to camp **_NOW!_** "

Fiona's fierce demand echoed across the forest. While some birds fled in response to the shout, Woody and Elliot stare at Jessie with widened eyes as they slowly back away.

Not wanting to argue with Jessie, they found a spot on a mountain cliff. Woody moved a heavy boulder blocking an entrance to the side of a small cave. "Hey, over here," he called to Jessie.

"Woody, we can do better than that," said Elliot, "Now I don't think this is fit for a princess."

Jessie looked at the setting sun as it starting disappearing over the horizon. "No, no, it's perfect," Fiona assured, "I-it just needs a few homey touches."

"Homey touches," Woody asked in bewilderment. "Like what?"

Jessie rips off a large piece of bark off a tree. "A door?" she said as she entered the cave and put the makeshift bark door behind her, "Well, gentlemen, I bid thee goodnight."

"Uh, you want me to come in there and read you a bedtime story, 'Cause I will…"

"I SAID GOODNIGHT!" Jessie yelled stubbornly.

The ogre and the one-horned mule deer were silent for a second. Smirking, Woody took the boulder that he moved and started moving it back where it was. "Woody, what're you doing?!" Elliot whispered frantically.

"I just…you know…oh," Woody stammered as he chuckled, "Oh come on, I was just kidding."

Woody walked away from the cave, leaving Elliot to stare at him disapprovingly over his attempted mischief act.


	14. Campfire Constellations

p class="MsoNormal"Nightfall came, and they have a campfire laid out in the center. Woody and Elliot lay on their backs under the sparkling starry night. "And, uh, that one…that's Throwback," Woody explained as he pointed towards some of the stars, "The only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields."br / br / "Right, yeah," said Elliot sarcastically, "Hey, can you tell me my future from these stars?"br / br / "Well the stars don't tell the future, Elliot, they tell stories," Woody said. He pointed to more stars, "Look, there's Bloodnut the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for."br / br / "I know you're makin' this stuff up," said / br / "No, look." Woody said as he pointed to the stars, "There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench."br / br / "That ain't nothing but a bunch of little dots," said / br / "You know Elliot, sometimes things are more than they appear," Woody said. He hesitated but he sighed, "Forget it."br / br / Elliot lets out a big sigh, before turning to Woody. "Hey Woody," he said, "What're we gonna do when we get our swamp back?"br / br / "Our swamp," Woody / br / "You know, when we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff." Elliot / br / "We?" Woody said, "Elliot, there's no 'we,' there's no 'our.' There's just me and my swamp. Now the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten foot wall around my land."br / br / Shrek turned himself around, away from Donkey and the others. "You still wanna be alone huh," asked / br / "You hit me Shrek," said Donkey, "you hit me real deep just now. Hey, you know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is a way to keep somebody out."br / br / "No, do you think?" asked Woody sarcastically as he turned his back on / br / "Are you hiding something," asked / br / "Never mind Wubbzy," said / br / "Ohhhhh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it," Elliot / br / "No," Woody growled as his irritation started getting higher, "this is one of those 'drop it and leave it alone' things."br / br / "Why don't you wanna talk about it?" Elliot / br / "Why do you want to talk about it?" Woody asked in / br / "Why are you blocking," / br / "I'm not blocking," complained / br / "Oh yes you are," Elliot / br / "Elliot, I'm warning you," said Woody as he got / br / "Who are you trying to keep out of your swamp Shrek," asked Elliot sternly, "Who?"br / br / "strongemEVERYONE!/em/strong" Woody yelled, his temper reached to its boiling point, "strongemOK?!/em/strong"br / br / Woody's loud response kept the annoying animal quiet, but Elliot quickly said, "Oh, now we're getting somewhere."br / br / "Oh for the love of Pete!"br / br / As the conversation went on, Jessie quietly peeked out from her cave and watched as Woody sat near the edge of the cliff. "What's your problem," asked Elliot, "What you got against the whole world anyway, huh?"br / br / "Look, I'm not the one with the problem, OK? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me! People take one look at me and go 'AH! HELP! RUN! A BIG STUPID UGLY OGRE!'" Woody said, mocking a scared villager before sadly concluding, "They judge me before they even know me…that's why I'm better off alone."br / br / Fiona, who heard every word, had a realization and quietly went back into her cave. As for Elliot, he now understood why Woody was a sourpuss loner and felt bad for him. Elliot approached the troubled ogre and said calmly, "You know what? When we met…I didn't think you was just a big, stupid ugly ogre."br / br / Woody looked at Elliot and calmly said, "Yeah, I know."br / br / "So uh…are there any mule deers up there?" asked Donkey. br / br / "Well…there's…um…Gabby…the small and annoying," said Shrek as he looked at the / br / "Ok, ok, I see it now. The big shiny one right there, that one there," said Donkey as he looked at the white / br / "That's the moon," commented Woody./p 


	15. Aloysius' Home, Bird Song, Make Up

Many miles away from the campsite, a curtain rustled in the wind. It's the house of a familiar short man. Some wedding garb were hung on racks, and Mama Bear had been made into a rug which means she's dead. A tone played on the mirror.

"Again. Show me again." The music stopped, and then it rewound to its starting point. Aloysius O'Hare was relaxing in his bed, drinking a cocktail.

"Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess." Aloysius said. The Mirror whined, "Hmph." He rewinds the music to its starting point, and it resumed its dreamy music again.

"Ahh, perfect." Aloysius cooed. He inhaled and looked at the Mirror, seeing the portrait of Jessie gazing out into the distance.

Back at the campsite, Jessie was the first early riser because morning came. She walked out of her cave and stopped. She saw Woody and Elliot sleeping after a long night. Jessie took a long walk into the forest and she spun around. She finds a bluebird sitting on a nest and she began to sing to it. The blue bird flew up to a higher branch and whistled the same envy. Jessie smiled, and she sung some more, with the bird following suit. Jessie vocalizes, high pitched, while the bird tries, but it's too difficult. The pressure is so high, that the bluebird swells and pops. Blue feathers rain down around Jessie, who glances back to see the remains of the bird: a pair of steaming bird claws clutching the branch. Jessie looked sheepish, but she found three eggs in the birds nest.

Jessie had returned to the camp and used a fire to cook the eggs. Woody caught a scent of the eggs, causing him to yawn. He stretched and rose up. Elliot mumbled, "Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on baby, I said I like it."

Woody glanced around, and used his hand to shake Elliot's head. "Elliot! Wake up!"

"Huh? What?"

"Wake up."

"Oh." Elliot yawns and smacks his lip.

"Good morning." Jessie greeted as she continued to cook. "Um, how do you like your eggs?"

"Good morning, Princess!" Elliot greeted jovially.

"What's all this about?" Woody asked, confused.

"Um, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you." Jessie said, standing up. 'I mean after all, you did rescue me." Jessie placed the eggs in front of Woody and Elliot.

"Uh, thanks." Woody awkwardly said.

Elliot licked his lip as Jessie said, "Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us."

Woody and Elliot exchange glances.


	16. Monsieur Pitch

Meanwhile, Woody, Elliot, and Jessie were walking out into the forest. The silence was broken by Woody's loud belch.

"Woody!"

"What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say." Woody said, chuckling.

"Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess." Elliot said. Surprisingly, Jessie let out a belch longer than Woody's. "Thanks."

As Jessie walks ahead of the two, Elliot said, "She's as nasty as you are."

Woody laughs, and said to Jessie, "You know, you're not exactly what I expected."

'Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them." Jessie replied. As she resumed her vocalizing, Woody stood beside Elliot, looking bewildered.

"La liberte! Hey!" A gray skinned man with spiky black hair and a black long overcoat named Pitch swung on a vine and scooped up Jessie.

"Princess!" Woody cried.

Pitch and Jessie landed on a bent tree, with Pitch laughing. "What are you doing?" Jessie exclaimed, irritated.

"Be still, _cherie_ , for I am your savior!" Pitch said. "And I'm rescuing you from this green…"—he kisses Jessie's hand much to her disgust—"…beast."

"Hey!" Woody shouted up to Pitch. "That's my princess! Go find your own!" No one would want some stranger falling in love with Jessie.

"Please, monster!" Pitch shouted down to the ogre. "Can't you see I'm a little busy here?!"

Jessie, clearly angry, shoved Pitch to face him. Looking at him with fire in her green eyes, she poked Pitch's chest, growling, "Look, pal! I don't know who you think you are!"

"Oh, of course, how rude, a-la-la." Pitch said realizing his mistake. "Please, let me introduce myself. Oh, merry men!"

A short man named Friar Tuck comes down on a swing, playing an accordion. Woody and Eliot turn to see bushes moving in different directions, then out popped the Pub Thugs, whose names are Gunther, Tor, Killer, Fang, Attila and the Inn Keeper. They began to introduce Pitch through song

 ** _Ta, da-da-da, woo!  
I steal from the rich and give to the needy_**

Pitch tosses an apple into Elliot's mouth.

 ** _He takes a wee percentage  
But I'm not greedy  
I rescue pretty damsels! Man, I'm good!_**

 ** _What a guy! Monsieur Pitch!  
Break it down!_**

Pitch and his merry men do an Irish jig of some sort, then they continue to sing.

 ** _I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid  
What he's basically saying he likes to get…  
Paid!_**

The Merry Men form a star with their legs around the bogeyman.

 ** _So….  
When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush  
That's bad  
That's bad  
That's bad  
That's bad_**

Woody and Elliot start getting nervous as Pitch and his gang start advancing toward him, with Pitch brandishing a dagger, much to Jessie's horror.

 ** _When a beauty's with a beast  
It makes me awfully mad!  
He's mad  
He's really mad  
I'm gonna take my blade and ram it through your heart  
Keep your eyes on me boys  
'Cause I'm about to staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart…_**

Jessie kicks down Pitch, with her shoe hitting him in the head. The bogeyman hits his head hard on a rock, knocking him out cold. Jessie flipped through the hair, giving a karate yell. He lands in front of Woody and Elliot, both looking astonished.

"Man, that was annoying!" Jessie huffed.

"Oh, you little…!" Tor said. He aims his bow at Jessie, then he fires an arrow with Jessie jumping out of the way. Elliot sees the arrow and jumps into Woody's arms as it ricochets off trees. Jessie somersaults toward Tor, and she delivers several punches, then he pushes him down to the ground. As Gunther, another Merry Man, sneaks up to Jessie from behind, Jessie elbows him in the chest, hits him in the chin with her hand, and knocks him out with her long braided ponytail. Two more merry men, Fang and Attila, come up between Jessie, who gives a karate yell, with the scene freezing mid-air. Jessie quickly smooths her red hat, then knocks the two men out with a double kick, and time becomes normal again. Friar Tuck, still playing his accordion, chases Jessie. She runs up a tree, flipping behind Friar, who shields his face with the instrument, but too late. Jessie's fist bursts through the accordion, and punches Friar in the face. The last Merry Man, the Inn Keeper, lunges at Jessie, shouting fiercely. Jessie quickly spins and kicks him down to the ground, striking a karate pose. Pitch and the Merry Men lay bruised and scattered, and Friar is unconscious with his accordion broken. Jessie approaches Woody and Elliot.

Jessie awkwardly said, "Shall we?" As she began walking out into the forest, Woody turned to her direction, slightly slack-jawed. "Hold the phone." He drops the one horned mule deer, and catches up to Jessie.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on now!" Woody halted Jessie, brimmed with curiosity. "Where did that come from?"

"What?"

"That!" Woody said, gesturing to the unconscious Merry Men, and continued, "Back there! That was amazing!" Jessie blushes, flattered. "Where did you learn that?"

"Well," Jessie explained. "When one lives alone, one has to learn these things in case there's a…" Jessie finds an arrow stuck in Woody's brown plaid pants. Pointing to it, she squeaked, "There's an arrow in your butt!"

"What?" Woody asked, confused. Seeing the arrow, he said, "Oh, would you look at that?" Elliot strides up to Woody and Jessie, and Woody tries to take out the arrow, but he flinches because it's tender.

"Oh, this is all my fault. I'm so sorry." Jessie said regretfully.

"Why? What's wrong?" Elliot questioned.

"Woody's hurt."

"Woody's hurt? Woody's hurt?! Oh, no, Woody's gonna die!" Elliot cried frantically.

"Elliot, I'm OK." Woody defended.

"Oh, you can't do this to me Shrek, I'm too young for you to die!" said a still frantic Donkey, "Keep your legs elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anyone know the Heimlich?!"

"Elliot, calm down." Jessie said, halting Elliot's panic. She explained, "If you wanna help Woody, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns."

"Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it," Elliot said before running to the forest, "Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die, Woody. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light."

"ELLIOT!" Woody and Jessie shouted.

"Oh yeah, right." Elliot said, before running into the forest again, "Blue flower, red thorns, blue flower, red thorns…"

"What are the flowers for?' Woody asked.

"For getting rid of Elliot." Jessie clarified.

"Ah."

"Now, hold still and I'll yank this thing out." Jessie said, tugging on the arrow.

"Ow! Hey, easy with the yanking!" Woody protested.

"I'm sorry, but it has to come out.' Jessie said. She tries reaching for the arrow, but Woody kept moving away from her."

"No, no, it's tender." Woody said.

"Now hold on."

"What you're doing is the opposite of help."

"Don't move."

"Ok, look, time out," said Woody as he stopped Jessie from getting closer.

"Would you…" Jessie got Woody's hand out of her face. "Ok…what do you propose we do?"

Back with Elliot, he is still saying the same mantra about the flower Jessie told him. "Blue flower, red thorns, blue flower, red thorns, blue flower red thorns," said Elliot, "This would be so much easier, if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns, blue flower, red thorns…"

"Ow!" Woody yelled in the distance.

"Hold on Woody, I'm coming!" Elliot shouted. He picked the correct flower with his teeth, and rushed back to Woody and Elliot.

"Owww!" Woody squirmed. "Not good!"

"OK, I can nearly see the head." Jessie said. "It's just about…."

"Ow!" Woody flung himself on the back, causing Jessie to land on his chest. The ogre and princess hear Elliot clear his throat, and see him with the blue flower with red thorns.

"Nothing happened." Woody quickly notified, before getting Jessie off of him. "We were just, uh…."

"Look, if you wanted to be alone all you had to do was ask, OK?"

"Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind." Woody said. "The princess here was just…."

Jessie pulls the arrow, and it came all the way out of Woody's bottom. "Uggggh!" Woody groaned. Smirking, Jessie showed Woody the arrow for emphasis that he finally pulled it out. "Owwwwwww." Woody squirmed hoarsely.

"Hey, what's that…is that…is that blood?" Elliot asked, before fainting.


	17. Heading to DuLoc (My Beloved Monster)

Woody and Jessie walked over to the unconscious Elliot. Woody picked him up and carried him over his shoulder as they started walking again. The journey ahead consisted of the rest of the forest, but also some open greenery.

Man: **_My beloved monster and me  
We go everywhere together_**

Upon reaching a small stream, Woody climbed the top of a tree and made it fall over to the other side of the stream. Using it as a bridge, Jessie walked by and strokes Woody's back.

 ** _Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves  
Gets us through all kinds of weather_**

Woody smiled at Jessie as he followed her, inadvertently sending Elliot flying backwards as the tree flung itself back into its upright position. Elliot landed with a grunt, and sat up with a dazed look.

 ** _He will always be the only thing  
That comes between me and the awful sting_**

Out in a hillside meadow, Woody swats his hands at some mosquitoes and flies, but he started getting annoyed. Jessie quickly ran over to a tree with a spider web on two branches. She takes the spider web and runs around, collecting every single flying insect, much to Woody and Elliot's bewilderment.

 ** _That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean_**

Jessie made the spider web and bugs Woody swatted at into a gross-looking cotton candy. Smiling, she gives the treat to Woody, who begins eating it. Jessie licks her fingers as the group continues the adventure ahead.

Later in the journey, Woody caught a toad and blew into its mouth, filling it up like a balloon, tying a string around its lips.

 ** _Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh._**

Woody started to give it to Jessie, until they see a snake slithering on a tree. Jessie grabbed the snake, blows into its mouth, and makes it into a balloon dog. She and Woody exchange balloons, and walk together through a field nudging each other playfully. Woody gives Jessie a big push, making her release her balloon. Woody releases his balloon as he and Jessie continue their playful moments, as Donkey gave chase.

 ** _La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la_**

The toad and snake balloons bump into each other as they float into the sky.

 ** _La-la, la-la, la-la_**

Woody, Jessie, and Elliot come upon the windmill, which is the spot where Woody and Elliot started their journey to rescue Jessie. They overlook a familiar kingdom known as DuLoc.

"There it is, princess." Woody replied. "Your future awaits you."

"That's DuLoc?" Jessie asked, curious.

"Yeah, I know. You know, Woody thinks Lord Aloysius O' Hare is compensating for something, which I think means he has a really…" Elliot started, before Woody stomps him, knocking him down on the grass.

"I, uh….I guess we better move on." Woody said.

"Sure." Jessie said. "But, Woody?" Woody turned to her, as Elliot got back up. "I'm….I'm worried about Elliot."

"What?" Woody questioned, walking back to Elliot and Jessie.

"I mean, look at him. He…he doesn't look so good." Jessie worried.

"What are you talking about? I'm fine." Elliot interjected. Jessie grabbed the one-horned mule deer from his muzzle, and said, "Well, that's what they always say, and next thing you know, you're on your back." Elliot raised an eyebrow, looking confused. "Dead."

Woody said, with mock concern, "You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?"

"You know what? I'll make you some tea." Jessie replied.

"Well, I didn't wanna say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck and when I turn my head like this, look." Elliot said, almost turning his head completely sideways, as his bones crunch. "Ow! See?"

"Who's hungry?" Woody asked. "I'll find us some dinner!" He went off in one direction.

"I'll get the firewood." Jessie replied, going in another direction.

"Hey, where are you going?" Elliot asked. Turning his head back upright, he cried. "Oh, man, I can't feel my toes!" Looking down, he shrieked, "I don't have any toes!" He sat down and said sadly, "I think I need a hug."


	18. Weedrat Dinner

At sunset, Jessie sat on a log near the windmill, eating some food from a stick, while Woody roasted dinner above a fire.

"Mmm." Jessie clarified. "Mmm, this is good. This is really good." As she continues to eat her dinner on a stick, she asked, "What is this?"

"Uh, weedrat." Woody replied. The two weedrats are brown like baked chicken. Turning the stick, Woody finished, "Rotisserie style."

"No kidding." Jessie said as Woody sat with her. 'Well, this is delicious."

"Well, they're also great in stews." Woody said. "Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew."

Jessie chuckled as Woody began feasting at his dinner. Jessie wiped her mouth, and sighed as he turned toward DuLoc in the distance as Elliot grazed at some grass. "I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night." Jessie said.

Woody swallows some food, then he said, "Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you: swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare, you name it."

"I like that." Jessie said affectionately. Woody slurps up a weedrat tail, and he chuckled sheepishly as Jessie smiled at him.

 ** _See the pyramids along the nile_**

 ** _"_** Um, Princess?" Woody asked.

 ** _Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle_**

"Yes, Woody?' Jessie asked.

"I, um, I was wondering." Woody hesitated, twisting his ear a bit. "Are you….uh, are…." He sighed, and pointed to Jessie's remaining rat, 'Are you gonna eat that?"

Jessie looked at her remaining weed rat then Woody. She handed it to him, who held onto it. The two smiled at each other, slowly moving closer and closer to each other. But as this happened, the quiet moment abruptly ended as Elliot appeared behind them and said, "Man, isn't this romantic. Just look at that sunset."

"Sunset?" Jessie exclaimed. "Oh, no. I mean… It's late. I-It's very late."

"What?"

"Wait a minute. I see what's going on here." Elliot said, sensing Jessie's nervousness. "You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?"

"Yes, yes, that's it. I'm terrified." Jessie said, fighting back every urge of trepidation. "You know what? I'd better go inside."

"Well, don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too. Until…" Elliot started, before saying fearfully, "Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark."

Woody sighs, and Jessie said, "Good night."

"Good night."

Jessie went inside the windmill, closing the door behind her. "Ohh, now I really see what's going on here."

"Oh, what are you talking about?"

"Hey, I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were digging on each other. I can feel it." Elliot said.

"Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Aloysius." Woody admitted.

"Oh, come on, Woody. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go in and tell her how you feel!" Elliot said.

"I…there's nothing to tell." Woody said, with slight irritation. "Besides, even if I did tell her that…well, you know. I-I'm not saying I do. 'Cause I don't." She's a princess, and I'm…"

"An ogre?"

Tossing away the stick, Woody said, "Yeah. An ogre." He began to walk off.

"Hey. Where are you going?" Elliot asked.

"To get…more firewood." Woody said, his voice laced with doubt.

Elliot sees a pile of firewood sitting beside himself, and looks back at Woody with a glare. Woody sat on a hill beside the flower bed, overlooking the distant DuLoc. He is in deep thought of bringing Jessie to Aloysius. He thought of it, until nightfall came, with a full moon shining in the sky.


	19. Elliot Discovers the Princess' Secret

"Princess," called Elliot as he entered the windmill with the squad, "Princess Jessie?"

There was no response, nor was there any sign of her. "Princess, where are you?" asked Donkey.

As they crept into the windmill, trying to find their friend, they heard rustling sounds above them. They turned and saw bats flying into the air, much to Elliot's fright. "Princess?" called Elliot.

As they looked around the windmill, a green skinned figure crept around the higher levels of the windmill. Elliot started getting nervous. "It's very spooky in here. I ain't playin' no games."

The dark figure appeared on a railing above. But as it crept by, the railing suddenly snapped and came down with a crash. This startled Elliot. As he looked at the carnage, the figure slowly raised from the ground and stood above them. Elliot began to scream in fright. It's a female ogre.

"No, no!" said the ogre.

"Oh, no! Help!" cried Elliot as the ogre tried getting Elliot to calm down. "Woody! Woody! Woody!"

"No," assured the ogre, "It's ok. It's ok."

"What did you do with the princess?!" Elliot shrieked.

"Elliot, shhh! I'm the princess!" Jessie admitted. "It's me…in this body."

"Oh, my God! You ate the princess!" Elliot shuddered. "Can you hear me?!" Elliot shouted to the ogre's belly.

"Elliot!"

"Listen, keep breathing!" Elliot yelled.

"No!"

"I'll get you out of there!" Elliot screamed. "WOODY! WOODY! WOODY! WOODY!"

The ogre silenced Elliot, muffling further screams. "This is me." she said.

He calmed down as they looked at the ogre. It had the same clothing, the same red hair, hat, and even the same eye color. Here, they discovered that this was indeed Jessie. "Princess?" asked Elliot, feeling curious. "What happened to you? You're uh…uh…uh, different.

"I'm ugly, ok," said a distressed Fiona.

"Well, yes you are," Elliot said, "Was it something you ate? Because I told Woody those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I say, now…"

"No, I…I've been this way for as long as I could remember," Jessie said.

"What do you mean?" asked Elliot, "Look, I ain't never seen you like this before."

"It only happens when the sun goes down," Jessie explained as she looked at her reflection in a water barrel, "'By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm…until you take true love's first kiss…and then take love's true form.'"

"Aww, that's beautiful." Elliot cooed. "I didn't know you wrote poetry."

"It's a spell. When I was a little girl…a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this…this horrible ugly beast," Jessie said as she splashed the water, "I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Aloysius tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me…" Jessie started to tear up, and she finished, "…like this."

Overcome with distress, Jessie started to cry.

"Alright, alright, calm down, look it's not that bad," said Elliot. "Well, you're not ugly…well, I ain't gonna lie, you are ugly," Elliot sat near Jessie, and continued, "But you only look at this at night. Woody's ugly 24/7."

"But, Elliot, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look," Jessie added, between sniffles.

"Princess, how about if you don't marry Aloysius," Elliot suggested

"I have to," said Fiona, "only my true love's kiss can break the spell."

"Yeah…I mean…you're kind of an ogre…and Woody…well you got a lot in common," added Elliot.

"Woody?" asked Jessie.

As the conversation went on, Woody stood outside with a sunflower in his hand. "Princess, I…uh…well how's it going first of all? Good? Um…good for me too. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause…you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd…uh…" Woody said, then sighing, he said, "I'm in trouble. Ok…here we go."

Woody approached the door to the windmill, but before he could go in, he heard the conversation inside. "I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a look at me guys. I mean, really, who can love a beast so hideous and ugly. 'Princess' and 'ugly' don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Elliot? That's just how it has to be."

Woody looks stunned by what Jessie said. Woody could not believe that the princess he fell in love with was criticizing him for being ugly. He quietly leaned against the wall in sadness as he looked at the sunflower. Getting angry, he dropped the sunflower and quietly left the area. Inside the windmill, Jessie said to Elliot, "It's the only to break the spell."

"Well, at least you got to tell Woody the truth." Elliot convinced.

"No," Jessie interjected, "You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know."

"What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets," Elliot asked.

"Promise you won't tell! Promise!" Jessie pleaded.

"Alright, alright, I won't tell him," said Elliot, "But you should."

Elliot exited the windmill. "I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy," he muttered to himself. "Look at my eye twitching."

Jessie comes out of the windmill, and she finds the flower Woody left behind. She picks up the discarded flower, and went back inside to make her mind.

Elliot sat beside the campfire, then he settled down for the night.


	20. Wedding Preparation (Hallelujah)

Inside the windmill, Jessie is down to plucking the last pedals off the sunflowers, saying, "I tell him...I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not." The princess smirks as she saw the last pedal and plucks it off. "I tell him!"

Jessie heads outside with a smile of hope on her face and in her heart. She finally wants to tell Woody the truth once and for all...and tell him as to how she really feels about him.

"Woody! Woody!" Jessie called out in determination as she looks around outside, "There's something that I want"

However Rarity can't find Spike anywhere, only the ones who knew her secret last night. As the sun began to rise, Jessie shields her eyes with her arm, and magic sparkles. Elliot was oblivious to what's happening as his hair is ruffled. The sparkles dissipate transformed as she is once again her fair-skinned self. He sees someone coming up the hill. It's Woody, still looking angry. Jessie steps down the windmill porch. "Woody." Jessie called out. "Are you all right?"

"Perfect. Never been better." Woody grumbled.

"I-I don't…There's something I have to tell you." Jessie began.

"You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night."

"Wait, you heard what I said?"

"Every word." Woody said, his anger never wavering.

"I thought you'd understand."

"Oh, I understand. Like you said 'Who could ever love a hideous ugly beast?'"

"I thought it doesn't matter to you." Jessie protested.

"Yeah, well, it does." Woody snapped.

Jessie looks a bit devastated. Then a set of familiar horses approach the two. As a fanfare plays, Woody said sarcastically, "Ah, right on time. Princess, I brought you a little something."

"What'd I miss? What'd I miss?" Elliot yawned, waking up from his slumber. Realizing that Aloysius guards were walking nearby, "Who said that? It could've been a mule deer." He walked away.

'Princess Jessie." Aloysius said.

"As promised. Now hand it over." Woody insisted.

"Very well, ogre: the deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed." Aloysius said, holding out a scroll. Woody took the scroll and walked from the horses. "Take it and go, before I change my mind." Turning to Jessie, he continued, "Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me. For I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I….am Lord Aloysius O'Hare."

"Lord Aloysius O'Hare?" Jessie questioned. 'Oh, no, no…"

The short man snapped his fingers and he was lifted off his horse. "Forgive me, my lord, but I was just making a short…farewell."

"Oh that is so sweet," Aloysius said. "You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings."

Jessie sees Woody reading the deed to his swamp. "No, you're right. It doesn't."

"Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless, Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage," Aloysius said as he took Jessie's hand and knelt onto his knee. He asked, "Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?"

Jessie glanced up and Woody, who glimpsed back at her. He sadly gazed back at his sheet. Making up her mind, "Lord Aloysius…I accept. Nothing would make…"

"EXCELLENT!" Aloysius piped up. "I'll start the plans, FOR TOMORROW WE WED!"

Woody started to storm off in anger, but Jessie said, "NO!"

Woody swiftly turned around, hoping that Fiona would reconsider her choice. "I mean…why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset."

Woody turned away, now convinced that Fiona didn't love him. Aloysius said, "Oh, anxious, are we? You're right…the sooner the better. There's so much to do!"

Aloysius was lifted back onto his horse. "There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list, CAPTAIN…round up some guests," ordered Aloysius as Fiona got on his horse.

With Jessie on his horse, Aloysius's group started heading back to the kingdom of DuLoc. "Fare-thee-well ogre," Jessie waved.

Woody ignored her and continued storming off in anger. "Woody, what're you doing? You're letting her get away," Elliot cried.

"Yeah, so what?" Woody snorted.

"Woody, there's something about her you don't know," said Elliot as he rushed to his side, "Look, I talked to her last night. She's…"

"Yeah, I know you talked to her last night," Woody barked, "You're great pals, aren't ya? NOW IF YOU TWO ARE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS, WHY DON'T YOU FOLLOW HER HOME!"

"But, Woody, I wanna go with you," Elliot protested.

"HEY, I TOLD YA DIDN'T I? YOU'RE NOT COMING HOME WITH ME!" Woody shouted, his voice laced with a combination of anger and sadness, "I LIVE ALONE! MY SWAMP! ME! NOBODY ELSE, UNDERSTAND? NOBODY! ESPECIALLY USELESS, PATHETIC, ANNOYING, TALKING MULE DEERS!"

Elliot was hurt by Woody's outburst. "But, I thought…"

Woody walked away from him, and shouted back, 'Yeah, well you know what? You thought wrong?"

Elliot muttered, "Woody….."

After a lonesome walk, Woody finally returned to his swamp. He saw his house a couple feet away, and he saw the campgrounds that the fairytale creatures had set up. They were now abandoned and deserted. He was glad that he finally got his swamp back, but he's all lonely without Jessie.

 ** _I heard there was a secret chord  
That David played and it pleased the Lord  
But you don't really care for music, do ya_**

In another part of the forest, Elliot walked through it, all sad. Back in the swamp, Woody despondently approaches his swamp house, until he stepped on something. He sees his reflection of the fractured mirror from earlier.

 ** _It goes like this the fourth, the fifth  
The minor fall the major lift  
The baffled king composing hallelujah_**

In DuLoc, Jessie was fitted into a wedding dress in preparation for her wedding with Aloysius. Jessie couldn't feel happy at all. She wanted to be with Woody, but seeing that there was no other choice for her, she didn't resist in preparation for the marriage of someone she barely knew.

 ** _Hallelujah, hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah_**

In the swamp, Woody spent some time cleaning up his home. He managed to clear the campgrounds, and clean the house. After putting one of his chairs back in place, he saw a wilted sunflower. He picked it up from the table and started having memories of how he thought Fiona was pretty. He remembered how he planned on giving a sunflower to her as a way of showing that he loves her, but remembered those harsh words she said about him and got frustrated. He couldn't handle it so he tossed the flower into the fireplace. He watched as the flower burned into a crisp.

 ** _Baby, I've been here before  
I know this room I've walked this floor  
I used to live alone before I knew you_**

Back at DuLoc, Jessie looks in a mirror. Still in her wedding gown, she lowers the veil over her face. In another room, Aloysius is looking into the Magic Mirror. He just got into his groom suit. He looks to Thelonius, who gives a thumbs up, then he looks to the Magic Mirror, who smiles in approval. Later, Jessie eyes a wedding cake, with figurines based from herself and Aloysius' likeness. With a furrowed brow, she lowers the equally-tall Aloysius figurine into the cake, making him shorter.

 ** _I've seen your flag on the marble arch  
But love is not a victory march  
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah_**

 ** _Hallelujah, hallelujah  
Halleujah, hallelujah_**

Back at the swamp, Woody leans against a table, all downtrodden.

In the forest, Elliot was taking a drink from a stream. He hears moaning, and he turns to his side. Elliot looks surprised to see Cynder the dragon. She is all sad, crying because of the abandonment from Elliot. As she wipes a tear streaming down her cheek, Elliot reluctantly goes to Cynder. She looks to Elliot and she smiles.

 ** _And all I ever learned from love  
Is how to shoot at someone  
Who outdrew you  
And it's not a cry you can hear at night  
It's not somebody who's seen the light  
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah_**

Back at the swamp, Woody is alone at the table, eating some sort of dish consisting of worms. He is ever too sad to even taste it. At DuLoc, Jessie is sitting at the table, eating her dinner, then she buries her face in her hands, the swamp house, Woody has his face buried in his hands, still stressing over Fiona.

 ** _Hallelujah, hallelujah  
Hallelujah, hallelujah_**

Suddenly, she hears a thumping noise, and he went to investigate.


	21. That's What Friends Are For

Woody came out and to his shock, he saw Elliot setting up a line of sticks. "Elliot?" asked Woody, who was slightly elated to see him," What are you doing?" He walked over to Elliot.

We would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one," said Elliot.

"Well…yeah…but the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it." Woody said.

"It is," Elliot explained magnaminously, "Just around your half. That's your half and this is my half."

"Oh…your half? Hmm."

"Yes, my half, I helped rescue the princess, I get half the work, I get half the booty," said Elliot, "Now hand me that big ol' rock, the one that looks like your head."

But Woody, having had enough of Elliot, started tearing the wall down, but Elliot stopped him from doing so. "Back off!" Woody growled.

"No!" Elliot relented, "You back off!"

" **THIS IS MY SWAMP!** "

" **OUR SWAMP!** "

" **LET GO, ELLIOT!** "

" **YOU LET GO!** "

" **STUBBORN JACKASS!** "

" **SMELLY OGRE!** "

" **FINE!** " Woody snapped as he let go of the stick and started heading back towards the house.

"Hey, hey, hey, come back here!" Elliot demanded sternly, "I not through with you yet."

"WELL, I'M THROUGH WITH YOU!" Woody denied.

"Nu-uh, with you, it was always, 'Me, me, me!'" Elliot shouted as he blocked Woody's path to the house, " **WELL GUESS WHAT?! NOW IT'S MY TURN, SO YOU JUST _SHUT UP_ AND PAY ATTENTION! YOU ARE MEAN TO ME, YOU INSULT ME AND YOU DON'T APPRECIATE ANYTHING THAT I DO! YOU'RE ALWAYS PUSHIN' ME AROUND, OR PUSHIN' ME AWAY!** "

"Oh yeah," asked Woody who was still angry, "Well if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?"

"Because that's what friends do," said Elliot, "THEY FORGIVE EACH OTHER!"

Woody stopped and said calmly, "Oh yeah…you're right Elliot…I forgive you… **FOR STABBIN' ME IN THE BACK!** " he suddenly yelled before going into the outhouse and slamming the door.

Elliot let out a long groan and replied, "You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings."

"Go away."

"See that? You're doing it again," said Elliot, "Just like how you did to Jessie. And all she ever did was like you, maybe even love you."

"Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature," Woody said, "I heard the two of you talking."

"She wasn't talkin' about you, she was talking about…eh, somebody else," said Elliot.

Surprised, Woody came out of the outhouse. "She…wasn't talking about me," he asked, "Well then, who was she talking about?"

"Nu-uh, no way," said Elliot stubbornly as he turned away, "I ain't sayin' anything. You don't wanna listen to me, right? Right?"

"Elliot?

"No," Elliot stubbornly said.

"Ok, look, I'm sorry…alright."

But Elliot didn't accept the apology. He kept his backs turned on Woody, who started feeling bad. He heavily sighed and said regretfully, "I'm sorry." Woody let it sink in, "I guess I am just a big, stupid…ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?"

Seeing that Woody mustered up enough dignity to apologize, the mule deer turned back to Woody and smiled at him. "Hey, that's what friends are for, right," Elliot chimed.

"Right," said Woody as he extended his hand, "Friends?"

"Friends," replied Elliot as he shook Woody's hand.

"So…um…what did Jessie say about me?" Woody asked curiously.

"What're you asking me for," Elliot chuckled, "Why don't you just go ask her."

Woody gasped and realized something. "The wedding!" Woody alarmed, "We'll never make it in time!" Woody has to head back to DuLoc before that kiss from Jessie to Aloysius!

"Hahaha, never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way, and I have a way," Elliot then let out a whistle. The duo heard a roar in response and they looked into the sky. To Woody's shock, Cynder appeared, flying above the trees and slowly descending to the ground. "Elliot?" asked a shocked Woody.

"I guess it's just my animal magnetism," Elliot chuckled as the chain from Cynder's collar came down.

"Ahahahaha, oh come here you," said Woody as he gave his new friend a noogie on the head.

"Alright, alright, don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass," Elliot said, pulling away from the noogie. "Alright, hop on." Woody climbed up the chain, and onto Cynder's back. Elliot hops into Cynder's paw, and puts him on his back. "Now hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet."

Cynder carries the new friends out of the swamp, and she flies through the late afternoon sky. They are still going to to do whatever it takes to beat Aloysius's wedding kiss.


	22. The Wedding Crash and the Sunset

In DuLoc, the wedding has just gotten underway. Citizens of the kingdom congregated in a giant church, and they're eager for the marriage of

Jessie and Aloysius. One man holds up a card for 'Reserved Silence' as the priest begins to speak.

"People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union of our new king…." The priest began until Jessie spoke up.

"Um, excuse me. Can we just skip ahead to the I-dos?" Jessie asked.

Aloysius chuckled and replied, "Go on."

Cynder lands in front of the church, making some guards scatter. Woody and Elliot jump off Cynder's back. Woody runs to the church doors, and Elliot whispered to Cynder, 'Go ahead. Have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that?"

The dragon nodded, and ran further off into the streets of the kingdom. Elliot caught up to Woody, just as he was about to reach the door. "Woody, wait! Wait, wait a minute! Look, you wanna do this right?"

"What are you talking about?" Woody asked.

"There's a line. There's a line you got to wait for. The preacher's going to say, "Speak now. Forever hold your peace." And that's when to say 'I object!'

"Oh I don't have time for this!" Woody groaned as he rushed past Elliot.

"Hey, wait, what are you doing?" Elliot pinned Woody against the door and said to the ogre, "Listen to me. Look, you love this woman, don't you?"

"Yes." Woody added.

"YOU WANNA HOLD HER?" Elliot asked.

"Yes." Woody said in annoyance.

"PLEASE HER?" Elliot asked.

"YES!" Woody yelled.

"THEN YOU GOTTA, GOTTA, TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS," Elliot sang, "THE CHICKS LOVE THAT ROMANTIC CRAP!"

"Alright! Cut it out!" Woody shouted. "When does this guy say the line?"

"We gotta check it out," Elliot replied.

Inside the church, the priest did what Jessie asked for and skipped to the 'I do's.'

"And so, by the power infested in me," he said, unaware that Elliot was being leaped into the air by Shrek outside to see through the center window.

"What do you see?" Woody called up.

"The whole town's in there," said Elliot as he was being flung into the air again.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife…"

"They're at the altar," Elliot said.

"…king and queen."

"Mother Fletcher, he already said it," Elliot crooned.

"Oh for the love of Pete!" Woody groaned as he charged to the door, ignoring Elliot who landed on the ground.

Woody burst through the doors and yelled out, "I OBJECT!" The wedding congregation turned to see Woody charging into the church. Even Jessie was surprised to see him running toward her. "Woody?"

The priest closed his bible, and tiptoed away.

"Oh, now what does he want?" Aloysius whined.

The congregation gasped, seeing the ogre. Woody slowed his run to a walk and greeted, "Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time are ya?" Coming closer to Jessie and Aloysius, he continued, "I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean."

"What are you doing here?" Jessie asked Woody, who turned to face her and Aloysius.

"Really, it's rude enough being alive when nobody wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding…."

"Jessie, I need to talk to you." Woody said.

"Oh, now you wanna talk? Well, it's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me…" Jessie leaned forward to Aloysius for the kiss, but Woody stopped her.

"But you can't marry him!" Woody said.

"And why not?" Jessie asked in offense.

"Because...because he's just marrying you so he can be king." Woody said.

"Outrageous! Jessie, don't listen to him." Aloysius said.

"He's not your true love!" Woody protested.

"And what do you know about true love?"

"Well, I...Uh….I mean…." Woody stammered.

"Oh, this is precious." Aloysius said, chuckling. "The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord! "The man, standing next to Jangles (holding two wedding bands on a cushion), switches his cue card from 'Reverence' to 'Laugh', in which the crowd does. They find this amusing. Ever since Woody first met her, he did fall in love with Jessie.

"Woody, is this true?" Jessie asked.

Woody hadn't said a single answer, and Aloysius growled, "Who cares? It's preposterous!" He turned to Jessie and said, "Jessie, my love, we're but a kiss away from our happily ever after, now kiss me!" He puckers his lips, making Jessie cringe. She looks to the giant window, and sees the window in the distance.

"By night one way, by day another." Jessie said to herself. She walk backwards to the window, and said to Woody, 'I wanted to show you before."

Jessie closes her eyes, and yellow sparkles begin to shimmer, then a magical mist encompasses her body. Then the sparkles and mist dissipate, revealing Jessie as an ogre again. The congregation looks horrified, and one woman fainted. Jessie smiled awkwardly. Woody has now learned the truth, the spell was real after all.

"Well, uh, that explains a lot." Woody said with curiosity.

"Ugh, it's disgusting!" Aloysius shuddered. He hated to see two ogres standing before him. He shouted, 'Guards! Guards! I order you to get that outta my sight! Now!"

Armored guards come out into the church from lower ground levels, and they seize Woody and Jessie. "No! No! Woody!" Jessie cried.

Aloysius snarled furiously, "This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding! And that makes me king!" Aloysius puts on an ornate crown on his head. "See? See?!"

"Let go of me! Woody!" Jessie cried"

"No!" Woody yelled.

"Don't just stand there you morons!" Aloysius ordered.

Woody elbowed some guards off him, and shouted, 'Get outta my way! Jessie! Woody fights over more guards, which involve punching and throwing them aside. "ARRRRRGH!" Woody growled. Woody headbutts one guard, but more guards separate him and Jessie more further.

"No! Woody!" Jessie screamed.

"I'd make you regret the day we met! I will see to you that you all be drawn and quarters and only death can save you!" Aloysius held the tip of his blade to Jessie's neck and ranted, "And as for you, my wife…"

"Jessie!" Woody cried.

"...I will have you locked back in that tower FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS! I AM KING!"

Woody whistled as a shadow came to the giant window above them, as Aloysius said, "I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have…."

Cynder, with Elliot riding on her back, bursts through the giant altar window. Aloysius looked up and screamed in horror. He had nowhere to go, so Cynder leaned down and closed his mouth around him. She went back up, and Aloysius screams one final time before he was eaten. Elliot stands on top of Cynder's head and shouted out, "All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it!" He spoke with a bold voice, "I'm a mule deer on the edge!"

Woody sneered at one guard, and he looked up. Cynder belches up the crown, which is all that's left of Aloysius. Therefore, the animosity from Aloysius had officially ended. As the crown bounced away, Elliot chuckled.

"Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?" Elliot mused.


	23. True Love's True Form and Happy Ending

p dir="ltr"The wedding audience clapped and cheered./p  
p dir="ltr""Go ahead, Woody." Elliot replied./p  
p dir="ltr"Woody walked up to Jessie and asked her, "Um, Jessie?"/p  
p dir="ltr""Yes, Woody?" Jessie asked curiously./p  
p dir="ltr""I…." Woody paused to let it sink in, then he spoke three charming words, "I love you."/p  
p dir="ltr"That made Jessie brim with curiosity. "Really?"/p  
p dir="ltr"Woody complied proudly, "Really, really."/p  
p dir="ltr"Jessie said, "I love you, too."/p  
p dir="ltr"Woody and Jessie touch their lips in a kiss as a myriad of sparkles appear into view around Jessie's lips. Jangles scrawls on the back of a cue card with a marker. As he turns the card around, it says 'AAWWWW', in which the crowd says to describe how wonderful this kiss is. Jessie, now encompassed with sparkles floats upward, and her voice said.../p  
p dir="ltr"emstrongUntil you find true love's kiss, and then take love's true form./strong/em/p  
p dir="ltr"Rays of brilliant light shoot out from Jessie's hands and feet. Then she shifts a little, and a bright light emerges from her face. Woody shields his eyes from the brightness as he holds his hat. A ring of yellow dusts spreads out, shattering the glass windows. Jessie slowly floated down as the sparkles begin to fade. Woody uncovers his eyes as he sees Jessie float down onto her side. Cynder finds a remaining window pane, and she punched it out with a cocky smirk./p  
p dir="ltr""Jessie?" Woody asked. Concerned, he walks over to Jessie's body. "Jessie." Woody helps her up to her feet. "Are you all right?"/p  
p dir="ltr"Jessie is still an ogre. She slurred, "Well, yes." Jessie looks down to her new ogre form and said, "But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful."/p  
p dir="ltr"Woody grinned and he said, "But you ARE beautiful." Jessie smiled, now that he has a new husband./p  
p dir="ltr"Elliot, trying not to shed tears, said happily, "I was hoping this would be a happy ending."/p  
p dir="ltr"Woody and Jessie try to kiss again, but Woody covers the camera with his hand, darkening the image. Back at Woody's swamp, a big wedding party was held. Woody and Jessie had just completed their kiss as a song begins to play./p  
p dir="ltr"emMan: strongI thought love was only true in fairy tales/strong/em/p  
p dir="ltr"The Seven Dwarfs perform a band. They play their music and shout "Oy!"/p  
p dir="ltr"emstrongMeant for someone else but not for me/strong/em/p  
p dir="ltr"The wedding congregation, consisting of fairy tale characters, Classified and others cheer for Woody and Jessie. Woody and Jessie walk down the corridor to begin their honeymoon. The Man in the Mirror smiles proudly. Love triangle, he thought./p  
p dir="ltr"emstrongLove was out to get me/strong/embr /emstrongThat's the way it seemed/strong/embr /emstrongDisappointment haunted all my dreams/strong/em/p  
p dir="ltr"A fairy waves her wand to turn an onion into an onion carriage, and the Chipmunks were turned into horses. Woody and Jessie get inside it. Jessie tosses a flower to the congregation. Cinderella and Snow White fight over it, but Cynder caught it. Elliot glances over to Woody, who gives a cordial salute to them. Cynder and Elliot just began their loving relationship./p  
p dir="ltr"emstrongAnd then I saw her face/strong/embr /emstrongNow I'm a believer and not a trace/strong/embr /emstrongOf doubt in my mindbr /strongstrongI'm in love/strong/embr /emstrongOoh-aah/strong/embr /emstrongI'm a believer I couldn't leave herbr /If I tried/strongstrongbr /strong/em/p  
p dir="ltr"The onion begins to move off, and the characters wave goodbye. Jangles holds Sherman as they wave goodbye too. Stan Marsh, the gingerbread boy, hobbles forward with a new leg, holding a candy cane as a crutch./p  
p dir="ltr""God bless us. Every one." Stan said happily./p  
p dir="ltr"The seven dwarfs and Elliot began to sing their own verse, as the fairy tale characters dance, along with Monsieur Pitch and his Merry Men. Even the Three Little Pigs breakdance. Stan hammers his candy cane to the Aloysius figurine and dances with the Jessie figurine./p  
p dir="ltr""Come on yo!"/p  
p dir="ltr"emElliot: strongThen I saw her face/strong/embr /emstrongHa-ha/strong/embr /emstrongNow I'm a believerbr /strongstrongListen!/strong/em/p  
p dir="ltr"emstrongNot a trace/strong/embr /emstrongOf doubt in my mindbr /strongstrongI'm in love/strong/em/p  
p dir="ltr"emstrongOoh-aah/strong/embr /emstrongI'm a believer /strong/embr /emstrongI couldn't leave her if I tried/strong/em/p  
p dir="ltr"emstrongThen I saw her face/strong/embr /emstrongNow I'm a believer /strong/embr /emstrongHey!/strong/em/p  
p dir="ltr"As the song continues, the fairy tale characters use Sherman's long nose as a limbo stick. One dwarf goes under, but the man with the Aloysius head fell over./p  
p dir="ltr"strongemNot a tracebr /Uhh! /Of doubt in my mindbr /em/strong/p  
p dir="ltr""One more time!" Elliot called out./p  
p dir="ltr"strongemI'm in love/em/strongbr /strongemI'm a believer/em/strong/p  
p dir="ltr"strongemCome on!/em/strongbr /strongemI believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, br /em/strongstrongemI believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey/em/strong/p  
p dir="ltr""Y'all sing it with me!" Elliot shouted jovially. The crowd even swayed their arms in the air./p  
p dir="ltr"Crowd: emstrongI/strong/embr /emstrongBelieve/strong/embr /emstrongI believebr /strong/embr style="color: #ffffff; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'Bitstream Vera Sans', Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.535px;" /emstrongI believe/strong/embr /emstrongI'm a believer /strong/embr /emstrongI believe/strong/embr /emstrongI believe/strong/embr /emstrongI believe/strong/embr /emstrongI believe/strong/em/p  
p dir="ltr"Woody and Jessie ride their onion carriage into the sunset. Their honeymoon had just begun./p  
p dir="ltr"Elliot, wearing sunglasses, laughed hysterically, until he said, "Oh, that's funny. I can't breathe. I can't breathe."/p 


End file.
